Reclaiming Marriages
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Introduction: My work with conflicted couples helps them reinvigorate their marriage. To accomplish this objective, I identify the main issues creating conflict, and then spend time helping each individual partner understand their personal role within the marital anxiety they are experiencing.
I also assist partners in understanding and altering ineffective communication and behavioral patterns which are disturbing mutually pleasing conflict resolution. Toxic underlying concerns which influence spouses and couples behavior and undermine meaningful communication are also enticed to the surface and taken out during therapy.
I also promote a team approach, and rarely ever sit back and just observe. Sometimes, I'll take the part of an educator, sometimes I'm a referee. At times, I may be more similar to a coach, and sometimes, I'll be similar to a mirror which reflects back what I am seeing. In each case, my objective is to challenge couples and spouses to embrace change and accept responsibility.
Since I believe that therapy should not end when the couple has moved out of my office, couples are given regular homework to help maintain the momentum of therapy. While the well-being of a couples marriage is my main focus, as marital satisfaction enhances, spouses also report improved personal growth.
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Maria S.
Jan 21, 2013
I Wish I Had the Words!
In the midst of a major predicament (and for certain in a convulsive state) as my husband announced that was leaving the house I prayed in desperation: I prayed that God sent me the right instrument to help me find the thousands of fragments of a shattered heart. I felt myself in a free fall without end . . . A time when I did not want to raise my head off the pillow - and that I could not see if there would be time when my tears stop flowing. This may seem like an exaggerated representation of emotions for such a minor event however to give you context the agony of abandonment has a profound impact to me due to matters that this letter will further elaborate. In addition, I had been radically changing my life inclusive of stepping down from a very successful and demanding professional life to build a family with my husband. After blindly believing promises that "we would be together no matter what", I felt my heart ripped from my chest without compassion or mercy - leaving behind a sorrow and void that could not be comforted - a wound for which there was no balm. I thought that I was losing my sanity. Just then, when the path became very narrow and dark a web site and an e-mail came across my eyes. May God be praised for that split second (that I will never forget for as long as a live)!
I wish I had the words to describe how Fr Charles held my hand from that moment of despair and the subsequent sat backs along the way. With kindness, firmness and keen subject matter expertise and in face of my husbands refusal to join therapy - he has helped me turn the spot light into my own soul - helping me search and reveal wounds that I had thought long gone. Wounds that I had once run away from - but that were there - pretty much buried alive - stifling even my ability to recognize what it means to be loved by someone. Although making clear that both parties own the responsibility of a broken relationship, Fr Charles has placed me in a path of holiness and wholeness - leveraging a unique combination of technical skills (psychotherapy) tailored for my particular scenario. I stopped focusing on my husband and why he would have broken his promises and with Fr Charles guidance I searched for the areas in which I could grow - and how I had contributed to this tragic experience from a fairy tale a beautiful love story uniting three continents into a broken home in just 5 years! Two very well educated and professionaly accomplished indivuduals. Everyone around shoked. The curch community, the friends . . . The feeling of being disonored in front of the same community where I had once felt like a princess honored by my beloved husband!
Fr Charles held my hand when I felt blindside on the side of a very busy highway. And I began to realize through our interactions the blessedness of brokenness. I began to see an incredible transformation taking place (still a long ways to go) within myself: I felt a sense of worthiness like never before. The need to cleanse my soul from all wounds has intensified and outcomes have been manifesting themselves inside and out. Within three months my house that had been so cluttered with things all over (there was not an inch of walls empty) became open as I moved everything around and packed and/or trashed the excess away. Before I didnt even realize how cluttered the place had been. This physical manifestation had been a reflection of my soul. I began to see the areas with piles of unresolved pains and sorrows (and looking close at them) and then sorting through what I should let go. All of a sudden I felt that I could begin to breathe! Outside and inside! Another major change has been that I no longer feel compelled to eat compulsively when I feel disappointed or hurt and that the sense of fear of the unknown as it comes to my relationship with my husband has been replaced by trust - full trust and confidence that God is in control and that He is working though my brokenness. I began to seek restitution with other relationships (friendships) that somehow got broken along the way - as I really did not know how to deal with hurts other than "shutting down" (all triggered unconsciously). Fr Charles has been helping me uncover these detrimental traits as well as teaching me other coping mechanisms to deal with unforeseeable disappointments. I wish that I could explain the joy that I felt when I realized that I could handle pain and disappointment in different ways. That we are all imperfect and that we must work through these pains with respect and sincerity - because in reality these are actions and reactions based on how our contextual upbringing filters them and how we receive/perceive them.
This testimony may sound trivial and somewhat colorful to you, but keep in mind that we all come from different contexts (which makes us unique and increases the complexity of relationships). This contextual framework requires unique expertise in order to appropriately identify and work through us at our own pace to uncover what is triggering undesirable behaviors. In many cases these triggers (illustrated by my example) are seldom and long forgotten by our conscious mind. Yet, they are present and manifest themselves in ways that are hurtful to us and to our relationships (in many domains) especially to our spouses.
Fr Charles placed a safety net around me and I begin to experience brokenness fully - instead of "shutting down" and confront why God is allowing this to happen - instead of placing myself in a victimized role. This work has also helped me re-discover my core: faith. A source of strength and gift from my Godparents. This core has kept me sane and resilient in face of great adversity outside of my control as a child and even finding joy in the midst of great tribulations. Leaning on this connection lost in the business of life - I find myself once again submitting myself to God and allowing the Holy Spirit to guide me through Fr Charles.
Fr Charles commitment to couples and to successful marriages are unprecedented (check his research and publications). I also understood why the broken promises had such a devastating effect on me: I had placed my husband in a place that belongs to God only. I had made him my god just to discover that he is as weak and imperfect as I am. Perhaps he had done the same towards me. Marriage is a path to holiness. Two imperfect beings walking side by side towards salvation. How much I wish that we had been better prepared with this message imprinted in our hearts before our marriages! How many of us do not really understand the roles of a husband and a wife in marriage as well as the purpose of this challenging and great rewarding path!
I cannot change the past but I have full control over the future and how I leaned from what has happened in the past. Is this a painful exercise? Yes, a very painful one as any path of brokenness is. The difference when we have such a rare instrument such as Fr Charles is that we can fully benefit (constructively) through this painful pathway - like a vessel of clay being reshaped into something much more perfect and beautiful after being smashed down. Fr Charles through Gods intervention functions like the potter's hands. And he always checks how fast the wheel should spin - following our own pace.
I wish I had the words to express what a blessing I have found in Fr Charles. I wish that I had met him many years ago before I got married. But I also know that everything happens in Gods timing and must trust His wisdom.
Fr Charles has continually prayed for my husband and for myself. To know that someone is praying for you brings strength and assurance that helps each difficult day go by with the hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Fr Charles has helped me restore my confidence in Gods wisdom and understand that by working within myself I will be a much better person to His glory. It is easy to say these words but I am walking through this path now. Very, very different story . . .
I appreciate Gods provision for me. I wish I had the words to express the joy I feel now to trully accept myself as a godly creation ("God has my picture on His fridge" like Fr Charles said) a friend, a wife and a servant in Gods Kingdom. All I can say is that if something is not right in your path right now - seek help - Godly help. And it is a very rare combination of skill set that Fr Charles brings to par. I pray that you will be as blessed as I have been.
I know that I have a very long ways to go in the path of holiness and wholeness - and that this path encompasses spiritual growth and a renewal of mind and emotions - and this is the holistic approach adopted by Fr Charles.
May God bless his ministry to individuals and couples. I will wholehearted support Fr Charles mission in any way I can - and I pray that God continue bringing our way instruments with precious gifts such as Fr Charles!
If you feel lost, wandering hurt and in despair - I pray that you find the right instrument guided by the Holy Spirit to renew and empower you in a path of holiness and wholeness. I pray that God reveals through these instruments how you should change, grow and develop - casting away those things that stifles your growth your freedom to realize your true, holistic and balanced potential. I pray for my beloved husband (whom I love and miss dearly) that God opens up his heart to experience the true peace and joy that can only come from within. I pray for Fr Charles and for his ministry: that it continues growing in number and positive outcomes - and that together we turn around the devastating divorce statistics and strengthen our families and couples considering marriage the cornerstone of our society. At last, I pray that you place your trust in God - that whatever He allows to happen is for our good and our eternal glory!
As you embrace marriage as a path towards sancti